Shell Shocked

The flowers started to pour in, people can be so caring.  I think a siege mentality came over me, nobody was going to make things worse for Amanda or the children, they couldn’t get any worse – anything that was going to be said, would be ‘said’ to me – I suppose it’s a man thing, a father thing…. A protection of his own.  I was amazed by some people both equally in a positive and negative way – the human kindness side was evidently shining through in the community yet in some minority cases people trying to invade our privacy and find out what happened.  I made it quite clear to those that we would speak when we were ready to and not until, I may have ruffled some feathers, I don’t care.

We didn’t want to face the world, I guess that’s normal and understandable.  My mum was concerned around Mia’s burial arrangements, neither Amanda nor I could bring ourselves to think about it.  She made it clear that Mia was viewed as an important member of the family and she needed a proper funeral and as it was just after Christmas and as we simply did not have the money available her and my step-father would pay for it, something that we will forever be grateful to them for.  She was also doing the maternal thing, thinking about the things that her son and his partner were simply incapable of processing at that time.  Amanda came up with the idea of driving to a local town where we were virtually unknown for some lunch in a nice pub that she knew.  We did that, it was one of the best things that we ever have done… we had re-entered into normal society.  We discussed the funeral plans over lunch, decided that the children would not be able to cope, neither the older nor the younger.  We contacted a Funeral Director in Kettering, drove over there and put the plans into place.  I had never been into a funeral directors before, I had no idea what I was doing or what to expect.  They were great though, we chose a beautiful soft pink coffin, we were shown an example - it was so small, it was so emotional, we were given a tour of where she would rest before the day.  Flowers were chosen from us with advice given to us from the manager given the time of year and the weather conditions, we opted for soft pink lilies.  The date that was made available to us was Wednesday 22^nd January 2014 at 2pm at Desborough Cemetery.  Another bout of realisation, we were about to bury one of our children – it was every parent’s worst nightmare.

We explained to the children that they would not be going to the funeral.  They all understood, I don’t know whether the older children felt cheated in anyway, I hope they didn’t feel that way but we had no idea how we would hold up emotionally let alone being there for them.  The youngest boys decided to write letters to be placed inside her coffin and they also gave her a Lego policeman to keep her safe.  She was wrapped in both her mums and dad’s scarves and with one of the two little teddy bears that were given to her by the maternity staff at the hospital.  The funeral director asked if we would like to see Mia one last time.  I was quite clear in my mind that I didn’t want to but Amanda was not so sure, she eventually decided against it.  I based my decision on remembering my Nan from my father’s side passing away several years before.  I didn’t see her for a few months before she died which I regret in many ways but she was a larger than life person and not the weak, tired and frail lady that she became.  Today, I can remember her for how she was, I think my sisters both remember her from a few days before she passed away.  It was confirmed that Mia had suffered further deterioration and I am pleased we came to the decision we did.

A couple of days before her funeral we met the vicar.  She was a lovely lady, so kind.  We had agreed to meet her in a room at my mother’s house as Amanda’s oldest child would be at home and we didn’t want the details to be known to the children.  We learnt of exactly how the service would pan out, I had to decide whether I wanted to carry her to her grave.  It wasn’t the straight forward decision that may at first sound – what if I tripped over? It was likely to be a damp, wet January afternoon, I could easily slip.  I decided I had to do it, I had to do it for her.  We informed the vicar that the Olly Murs song was to be played after her committal and that I would say a few words at the end of the ceremony.  We had decided that only immediate family should attend, although Amanda did want a couple of her closest friends to attend.  I’m not entirely sure why but something told me to drive down and view the cemetery.  Despite living in Desborough for around 3 years I had never been there, I had no reason to be.  I needed to know what it looked like before the day of the funeral.  What I didn’t realise though that when we got there a man in a small digger was preparing a plot in the children’s section – it had to be her plot, it was, we were both numb.

We had to pop over to Kettering to the funeral directors a couple of times before the day, firstly to pay for the costs and for the flowers.  Secondly, we had the opportunity to sit by Mia in the chapel of rest.  This was the most disbelieving part of it all, how on earth had it all come to this?  None of it made sense, only two weeks before we were scanning through catalogues and browsing online for items for her.  We didn’t want to be there, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to leave.  From all the turmoil, both before and since, this was the most emotionally devastating time.  Our little girl, just resting there never given  a chance in this cruel world.