Grief stricken and returning to work

We spent a lot of time down with her at her graveside, it helped being near her and with the flowers.  I had kept in regular contact with my bosses and had to start thinking about returning to work.  I was worried about that, I knew I had to go back for some kind of normality but I didn’t want endless questions but at the same time I did not want people to ignore me through not knowing what to say.

I returned to work on Monday 27th January, I had to go but I had never wanted to be elsewhere as much in my life.  The first half hour or so came and went and nobody said a word, they didn’t know how too, it felt uncomfortable but in truth I didn’t know how to hold a conversation with them about what had happened.  Manchester United had been beaten in the FA Cup the previous weekend, any other Monday morning I would have faced some ribbing from some of the guys but not on this occasion.  I had to understand where we were with certain projects, fundamentally that is my job and the place cannot function without the Test Manager understanding what the project status is – thinking back it must have been a very uncomfortable time for my deputy.  He had done a fantastic job and totally understood that my head was anywhere but on projects.  People eventually started coming up to me and saying a few words – to their credit they didn’t have to do that, they must have knew that there really was nothing that they could say.  I don’t remember what I was specifically working on that first day back but I do remember it all being too much and lunchtime could not come quick enough.  I drove the 8 miles back to Desborough and sat by Mia’s grave eating my sandwiches.  It was a beautiful sunny and reasonably warm, peaceful winter’s day and at that point I really believed I would be doing that journey in my lunch hours with high regularity.  I tweeted ‘Sitting by my daughter, eating my sandwiches as it’s the only place I want to be’.  Clearly, I wasn’t right emotionally for work but I got through it as I took the attitude that at least I am doing something rather than driving myself insane at home.

We were very aware that the test results from the placenta would be back from the pathology lab and back with the hospital very soon if not already.  We pretty much knew by now that something had happened or more accurately things were not done that should have happened.  The secretary of the Head Consultant who we were placed under during the pregnancy contacted us to make an appointment for us to find out the results.  The date was set for 18^th March 2014, by now we were researching what Group B Streptococcus was, it was so clear in our heads that this infection led to Amanda becoming so ill before and during Mia’s labour.

The next few weeks were incredibly difficult, concerned about the states of mind of the children, they were putting on brave faces, children are resilient but could they really cope with this?  Was Amanda coping?  Was I coping?  All questions without a real answer.  The one thing that became clear was that Mia deserved answers and for our own sanity Amanda and I needed answers.  We had however become incredibly close, we had realised that very few people could really understand, yes they can listen or wipe away the tears or attempt to make us laugh, but they could never be expected to understand.  We surprisingly had some good family times especially a country walk around the river and lakes at Olney – I will always remember Amanda’s face when realising we had to cross very boggy fields and walk over old rickety bridges on a freezing cold February day in a pair of flat shoes! – It was wonderful to see the 3 boys laugh like they did that day.